A lot of early self-feeding frustration comes down to shape and size rather than anything to do with your baby. If they cannot grip it, nothing else about the meal is going to work.

Set the environment up first

Before anything else, get the safety basics in place.

• Make sure your baby is in a well supported high chair with a footrest.
• Do not serve any choking hazards.
• Remove distractions.
• Be present the whole time and supervise.

The footrest matters more than people expect. If you sit on a high stool with your feet dangling, it is not comfortable to eat, and it is the same for a baby. The right position for feeding makes a real difference.

The right size and shape

If what you are offering is too small or the wrong shape, your baby cannot grip it. That is frustrating for both of you.

The size to aim for is more like an adult finger shape or larger, or chip shaped, and something easily squished.

Good examples:

• A roasted butternut squash finger.
• A roasted carrot.
• A really soft, squishy buttered toast finger.

A baby can grip these much more easily than small pieces.

When to move to smaller pieces

Smaller pieces can be offered from around 9 to 10 months, when the pincer grip is developing.

Before that, small pieces are simply harder work with no benefit.

Slippery foods

Banana, avocado and melon are the classic problem foods, because they slide straight out of a baby's hand.

Three things that work:

• Keep a small piece of the skin on at the bottom to help with grip.
• Cut with a crinkle cut knife.
• Roll in some ready oats.

Bite and dissolve foods

These are useful to have on the side, because they pose zero choking risk. They are the types of things found in the baby aisles of the supermarket, such as baby puffs and wafers.

They are also genuinely helpful if your baby is reluctant to move on from smooth textures, because they can increase acceptance without the anxiety attached to lumps.

Role modelling

Babies need to learn from you, so role modelling is really important.

One thing that works well is exaggerated movements for biting and chewing, so your baby can watch and learn what they are supposed to be doing. It feels ridiculous and it is a genuinely useful top tip.

Expect mess, and let it happen

Squishing food, pushing it around, throwing it on the floor, using hands instead of a spoon, and making an enormous mess are all completely normal.

Babies like to be independent, and food based messy play is really important for the acceptance of food. It is worth letting that go rather than managing it, including not wiping hands at the table.

A word on gagging

Gagging is a completely natural and expected response to weaning and learning to eat, and it is different from choking. A baby's gag reflex sits very far forward, and they need the exposure and experience of learning to eat for it to mature and move back.

You will see less gagging as the weaning journey progresses.

I would recommend a first aid course for parents. It is reassuring, and if your baby ever does choke you will know exactly what to do and be able to stay calm.