We have all said these things. They come out of your mouth easily, they sound harmless, and most of the time they are said with the best intentions. But children can hear them as pressure or comparison, and we know that can do more harm than was ever intended.

So this is a list of the phrases worth catching yourself on, and what to do instead.

The phrases that slip out

• If you eat your broccoli you can have your pudding.
• Just take one more bite and then we will finish.
• Try a tiny bit.
• You had your carrots last week, why do you not like them now?
• Come on, hurry up, everyone is waiting.
• Who is going to finish their food first?
• Look how much Tom is eating.
• Your brother loves this, look, is he not eating so well?
• This food will make you strong, it is so delicious.

These are all quite innocuous comments. In actual fact, they can be perceived by a child as pressure and comparison, and we should all try as much as possible not to say them.

Why pressure works against you

We know that pressurising children, coercing them, and having very stressful mealtimes can make feeding issues worse and lead to poorer long term eating habits.

It is also worth remembering you cannot force your child to eat. More coercion and more pressure honestly just makes a child go the other way. So the phrases above are not only ineffective, they push in the wrong direction.

Body language counts as much as words

Children very much pick up on body language and tone of voice, as well as language itself. Staying relaxed at the table, in tone and in body language, can make children feel safe and positive at mealtimes.

So the sigh, the raised eyebrow and the tense shoulders are part of the message too.

Be careful how you talk about your child

Try not to label children as picky or fussy.

I would also say that when you are getting feedback at nursery about your child's eating, try to have that conversation away from the child, so they are not hearing what is being said about them. If you are constantly talking about them, about how little they ate, or what they did not manage, or what they left, they are going to internalise it. It can influence how they feel about food and about themselves.

Use neutral descriptions of food

This is the practical swap. If you want to talk about a food, use a neutral description rather than a verdict. You can say it is really crunchy, rather than saying it is yummy, because yummy is your personal opinion.

You can also acknowledge strong reactions without ignoring them. Something like, wow, that was a strong taste for you, helps children feel heard. You do not need to shut the reaction down. It is more about how you talk about it.

Steer clear of good foods and bad foods

Try to avoid framing foods as good or bad. Along the same lines, try not to talk about your own eating habits or diets in front of your child, and try not to let them see you avoiding certain things. They like to copy what they see.

Drop the rewards for a clean plate

Any rewards or praise for finishing everything should really be avoided. We need to move away from trying to force or encourage your child to eat everything on their plate, because the aim is low pressure at mealtimes.

That includes making pudding conditional. One way round this is to offer sweet and savoury together, so sweet food is not put on a pedestal. Keep the sweet option low in sugar where you can, so dairy based or lower sugar fruit based desserts.

If you do that, there is no good food and bad food, and they can eat it in whichever order they like. They often surprise you. Parents frequently assume the pudding will go first and everything else will be left, and that is not always the way it goes.

What to do when food is refused

Ignore it, and keep calm. Then keep offering over time, because some children need 15 or 20 exposures, and some need an awful lot more.

Saying less at the table is usually the more effective option, even though it feels like doing nothing.